KITCHENS

At first glance, your average kitchen may seem safe enough, but then so do kittens in that small instant before they gouge your eyes out by way of saying 'hello'. One letter's difference should not deter you from making at least one comparison between these two harbingers of death and pain - that they are both harbingers of pain and death.

Most kitchens contain a great big white thing called a 'refrigerator' which is designed primarily for the storage of beer, but some also inexplicably contain items of plant matter. The role of such greenery in this circumstance is not known, but observations indicate that it is usually kept there until it goes brown and runny, and is then replaced.

That's the good point of a kitchen over with, now on to the real point of the issue - kitchen survival.

The best way to survive a kitchen is to avoid it altogether, but boredom, sleepwalking, and the lure of cold ('refrigerated') beer are just some of the many things which can entrap the unwary.

Once you're in the kitchen (usually standing in front of the refrigerator), it is important to know what to do next. Most sources would suggest opening the refrigerator and liberating a nice, cool beer. There are a number of reasons for doing this:

1. A nice, cool beer can have a calming effect on the nervous system, and being in a kitchen can make one's system very nervous indeed.
2. It gives you time to reflect and think about your next move.
3. It means the entire trip isn't totally wasted.
4. It tastes nice.

Now, as you stand in front of the refrigerator, take a look around. At first, it probably doesn't look all that dangerous. Look harder.

One of the first things you may notice is that the kitchen is the only room in the house which has both a plentiful supply of outlets for both water and electricity.

Next, it will dawn on you that there is a large device set in amongst the work surfaces which is designed to pump flammable gasses out into the room and set fire to them. Furthermore, there is a smaller box sitting on top of the work surface whose sole function is to bombard bits of animals with radiation until steaming.

These are just the obvious ones - closer inspection reveals a wooden block housing a number of examples of sharpened steel blades; cupboards crammed full of glass, china and other such materials which when dropped become deadly shards of varying sizes; a wall-mounted rack of mysterious, sharp and foreboding utensils; and, usually, any number of wicker baskets hanging from the ceiling - very ominous to say the least.

Scared? good. Fear is the main survival tool of the experienced hitchhiker, though this situation is one of the few in which screaming and flailing madly is inadvisable. Instead, you must resist all your most basic urges to run, scream and attack things madly with you towel - if you must do anything at all, curl up on the floor and gibber until you've calmed down a bit.

Now you must plan your escape. Look for exits - most kitchens have at least two doors. Be wary of the window; while this may seem like a valid escape route, it often means climbing over some of the most deadly things in the room.

The best route is one which is as straight as possible from your position to the exit. If a winding, meandering route is all that is available, turn around, open the fridge and drink a few more cans - this should help with navigating such a route.

Once you have chosen your route, take a deep breath and walk steadily, confidently and purposefully towards your chosen exit. Do not look up, down, left or right, but straight on to your goal. One false move at this point may result in you being hung, drawn, diced, quartered, lightly salted and partially baked, leaving your last dying memory that of the microwave 'ping' shortly before your head explodes.

Upon leaving the kitchen, shut the door and promise yourself that you will never enter again, not even to get a beer - that's what younger brothers are for. Also, it is advised you find yourself a good publisher and write a book about it - these sorts of things make a lot of money in the right circles.