WAR

War is, of course, an entirely terrible thing. Here are some notes to help you avoid it. At the last count some 555211 (which is interestingly enough, an entirely terrible telephone number) wars were raging across the length and breadth of the galaxy. It is vitally important that as a hitch-hiker you do not agree to join in whilst passing through a war zone.

Wars spring up where there is an excess of hate, and love and understanding are sadly lacking. They are fought on two general principles, one is of good versus evil (although each side will believe that the other side is evil, therefore adding to the general confusion), this is known as a religious war.

The other sort is fought for the sheer hell of it, this is known as "bloody-mindedness".

Probably the strangest war of all time was the incredibly vicious, and largely anarchic, "War of Neutrality" fought on the planet Canopus IV. After seven thousand years of peace on the planet one of the galaxy's most advanced philosophers, who had been studying war for some time managed to prove once and for all that good would never triumph ultimately over evil and vice versa.

There was no solution but to rid the planet of every good or evil person, as this included, at the last count, the entire population of the planet each person saw it as his or her duty to kill anyone else they met, up to and including themselves.

The last man alive on the planet was of course, the philosopher who had started the whole thing off. All that he had ever wanted from life was somewhere where he could work undisturbed by small irritations, such as other lifeforms. As he sat himself onto what was now his imperial throne, a 5000 megatonne bomb wired to the seat detonated, destroying the entire planet, which just goes to show that you never can tell.